It’s been seven months. The constant pressure of my grief has abated but I don’t feel ready yet to let go of the pain. The pain tethers me to him, it’s what keeps me close to him.
My grief raises its head at strange and unexpected moments. Today it was chili. He always made the chili. But it was a chili kind of day today and so I made it myself. Nothing is the same without him.
Combining my current state of grief with my pastimes of art and gardening has produced this series. Please click on the image for a better view.
Beyond the Brush 
You manage to put your difficult feelings into words and images that reveal just the right amount. There is great dignity here. It must be an unspeakable loss, but you’re smart for speaking it, and for expressing it in images…and chili.
I haven’t experienced what you’re talking about, but many years ago I lost someone I cared deeply about in a drowning accident. It was horrible. What you’ve described about wanting to keep the feelings close is so familiar – that’s exactly what I felt, so long ago. I didn’t want the seasons to progress because that took me farther and farther away.
I wish you good days and much creativity!,
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Yes, it’s the ‘farther and farther away’ that scares me the most I think . Thank you for your kind comments, Lynn.
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Hold onto the memories, the ones that make you laugh and take your breath away, let go of the pain when it makes sense in your life to do that…Listen for his voice when you need it most, it will be there.
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Thank you for your words, Charlie.
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Keep writing. Keep shooting. Keep making chili Lynne. Our thoughts are with you.
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Hello Dawn, and thank you.
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Grief comes in waves doesn’t it. Even something as seeming simple as chili hurts like you know what. I’m glad you are blogging about and being creative with your photography. It will slowly get better. I think of you a lot, especially when I see your posts and photography.
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That is so kind, Cee, thank you.
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I love your photo – this series says so much. It’s hard, when you have been so close to someone for so long and suddenly they are gone. I wish for you peace and happiness. I wish for you enough to make you smile.
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I wish you enough too, Carol. Thank you.
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it’s really wonderful how you transferred the grief in your photos (hope you understand it right!). This photo looks as if tears had fallen on it, and even though it is very sad, it is very beautiful, too. Sometimes strokes of fate set free something else that wouldn’t have come out without them. Hope you feel better soon
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Thank you, taphian
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it seems heartless to say I really like this series – the grief is tangible in these rather wonderful images
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No Laura, I’m glad the images are conveying what I intended. Grief is frightening, it’s deafening, it’s consuming. It’s a tidal wave of confusion and loss and loneliness and what helps me is to share it, as selfish as that may be. I need to give some of it away because I can’t bear it alone. I give it to my family, my close friends, and to my virtual friends. It all helps. And I am wending my way through the morass. I expect one day I’ll find myself all wrapped up in a new package, the new reinvented me that has absorbed this journey and can now walk it alone but not lonely.
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this description of your grief has immense impact – not selfish to share either as we are meant to be interdependent. Hope one day you will not be so alone
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Thank you, Laura.
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